Aromatic Curry Brisket Rub

What to Expect

This rub can be used with chicken, lamb, and beef.  After smoking, it yields a golden yellow/orange bark and smokes well with fruit woods.  Apple chips are always a safe bet, but I bet peach and cherry would both be great choices.

I've been meaning to write this one down for a while and have included links to Amazon options just in case you don't have a local Indian grocery store nearby.  The grocery store will have MUCH better flavor, but the Amazon options aren't horrible.  My wife loves this one.  Be warned, black cardamom and long pepper are super intense compared to regular cardamom and plain black pepper.  You will get addicted. This yields a sweet heat without being obnoxious and smells fantastic.

Tools:

• 1 electric spice grinder ($19 on Amazon) - If you want to mortar-and-pestle it, good luck.  I have better things to do with my time.
• 1 large stainless mixing bowl - You do not want to mix these in a wooden or plastic bowl.  It will discolor both.
• 1 pair of disposable gloves ($20 on Amazon, these last forever) - Nitrile gloves are cheap, strong, and will keep you from getting dangerous powder in your eyes and work great for BBQ and pepper work.  I use a lot of dried peppers, and you will end up in the ER if you aren't careful.

Ingredients:

You don't have to grind these up by hand, but it really helps make the flavors pop.  Most of these ingredients can be found in powder form already.  Be aware that in other countries, the cook will be expected to toast the spices in a pan to "wake up" the flavors, but is not necessary here, since they will be slow smoked and come up to heat in the best way possible: in slowly rendered beef fat.

• ⅓ cup of onion powder
• ⅓ cup of garlic powder
• 1 tsp ground cumin
• 1 tbsp salt - Add more if you want, I have to watch my salt intake.
• 1 tbsp fine brown sugar - I'm not usually a fan of sugar in a rub, but you need something to bring the bite down from the cardamom and amchur. NOTE: If you don't want to use brown sugar, you could substitute agave nectar or honey (but honey will kill any heat you might have had and will require mixing into the binder instead of the rub). 
• 1 Cup of Madras Curry (1 pound = $15)
• 1 tbsp of long pepper (finely ground... about 4 pods) - If you can't find it, black pepper works.  ($7 on Amazon for a small bag. 
• 2 pods of black cardamom ($8 on Amazon) (finely ground with seedpod fibers removed after grinding) - You can use 3 if you like smoky bark, but no more.  NOTE: This stuff is potent and will overpower your other aromatics very quickly if you overdo it.  Don't be that guy.
• 1 tsp of green mango powder/amchur ($9 on Amazon) - This stuff has a very bright flavor akin to powdered lime, but not nearly as tart.
• 1 tiny pinch of ground cinnamon.  It's traditional.  Do NOT overdo it on the cinnamon.

Non-Rub Items:

• Apple cider vinegar for spritzing every 30 in the bark phase... feel free to add the juice of 1 lime to the bottle.
• Yellow mustard for the binder.
• Cilantro to dice and toss over the rice and raita.
• Jasmine rice, 1 cup per guest
• Saffron (optional, but really adds to the experience)
• 1x Star Anise (for the rice)
• 3x Clove (also for the rice)
• 2 Whole Limes (sliced, served with the brisket)

Instructions

1. Put on your gloves.
2. Add all the dry rub ingredients together in a bowl.
3. Add your binder to the brisket.  I assume you've done this before.
4. Apply your rub liberally to the whole thing.
5. Do the brisket dance for as long as you regularly would per its weight, rehydrating with apple cider vinegar during the bark phase at fixed interval).
6. Wrap it up and throw it in your wife's Yeti (the pink one she keeps for soccer games).  Just kidding.  She'd kill us both, plus I'm not going to tell you how to cook brisket.  This is a rub recipe.  Go take a class if you don't already know how to cook.

Sides

After all that work, to hell with sauce.  You bring sauce to my brisket you will be uninvited to the damn cookout.  This stuff stands on its own, but your wife will give you grief if there isn't something else on those plates, so...

Saffron Rice

1. Read all the instructions before doing anything else.
2. Add your rice to your cooker of choice.
3. Use chicken stock instead of water to hydrate the rice.
4. Throw in a pinch of saffron (for color), one pod of star anise (for aromatics), and 3 cloves (if you have them available).  
5. Cook the rice.  
6. Remove the star anise and cloves and toss in a handful of Cilantro with stems removed over the top before serving.

The saffron will turn the rice a reddish yellow color.  If you really have the time and the patience, step it up and make actual biryani.  If it turns out good, send me your address, because you're about to open a restaurant when people find out you can make this stuff.  Biryani can also be smoked in your smoker at the end of your meal, just make sure you have a PSL in there as rice will not handle direct heat, and the smoke will dry out the chicken if you add in drumsticks.

Raita

Serve with raita.  It's similar to tzatziki, but cleaner, and it helps cut the heat and cool your mouth, while being an incredible palate cleanser (just in case you actually do serve some other dishes). Raita also qualifies as a vegetable per my wife's parenting guidebook.  I'll have to take her word for it.  I apparently don't get my own copy.

Here is a good raita recipe.  Be aware that traditionally, you will have naan or rice, not both, with your primary entree.  To put it in perspective, imagine your grandma's face if you asked for biscuits and yeast rolls for dinner.  I dare you.  Surprisingly, you can make damn good naan using an old #8 cast iron skillet, yogurt, and plain old flour.  If you feel adventurous, you should also check out recipes for roti and kulcha.

What to Drink

This is a summer meal with heat and needs a little sweet to offset all the savory goodness.

I recommend for others:

1. Beer.  Usually, I like dark beer, but in high heat, Dos Equis or even a shandy goes well.
2. Sangria.  These two were made for each other.
3. Lemonade.  Duh.  Its great for the kids and doesn't taste awkward with all the mango powder.
4. Mango Lassi. This one is work but is more traditional.  This is also a great substitute if you can't talk your kids into raita.  The yogurt in the lassi will trim any heat they can't handle.

What I recommend for the guy putting in all the damn work: a boulevardier.  It's like an old-fashioned and Sangria had a one-night stand, but in a very fancy hotel.

1. 2 oz. of your favorite bourbon, the hotter, the better (Weller's cheap now, y'all. Treat yourself.)
2. 1 oz. of Campari (a bitter blood orange liqueur...  one bottle will last you a good while)
3. 1 oz. of Sweet Vermouth (ask your liquor store guy which one)
4. 1 giant super sexy ice cube that shows that you care
5. 3 dashes of Spiced Cherry Bitters from Woodford Reserve [optional, but damn it's tasty]

In Summary

If you think that Indian flavors and smoking don't mix, you are wrong, dead wrong.  They've been doing this for thousands of years on a tandoor.  I'm not saying you should read a book while you wait, but a little Wikipedia never hurt anybody.

If you like the rub, awesome.  

If you hate it, we both know you did something wrong, not me.

Disclaimer: I am not liable for anyone actually using this delicious rub and will not be held accountable for recompense nor will I talk to your wife on the phone explaining why you don't know how to use your smoker.  This is a gamble, and just like Vegas, if you can't afford to play, you shouldn't be.